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Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships, by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend
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Rules for Romance That Can Help You Find the Love of Your Life Between singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain healthy boundaries — boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control. If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize the way you handle relationships. And even if you’re doing well, the insights you’ll gain from this much-needed audiobook can help you fine-tune or even completely readjust important areas of your dating life. Written by the authors of the bestselling book Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you’ve longed for. “Boundaries in Dating is the most helpful dating resource we have read in years. It is sure to become a classic. If you are looking for practical tools for finding the love of your life, you can’t afford to miss this outstanding book.” — Les and Leslie Parrott, Authors of Relationships and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts “Boundaries in Dating will help you avoid the pitfalls of dating poorly and learn the secrets of dating well. Dating with good boundaries is a surefire way to find that relationship that lasts for the rest of your life.” — Gary Smalley, Author of Making Love Last Forever
- Sales Rank: #340170 in Books
- Published on: 2014-04-08
- Formats: Audiobook, MP3 Audio, Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 6.75" h x .50" w x 5.25" l,
- Running time: 8 Hours
- Binding: MP3 CD
From the Publisher
Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting people is just one concern. Once you've met someone, then what? What do you build? Nothing, a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits on physical involvement? Financial involvement? Individual responsibilities? Respected counselors, popular radio hosts, and best-selling authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend apply the principles described in their Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries to matters of love and romance. Helping readers bridge the pitfalls of dating, Boundaries in Dating unfolds a wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process. Boundaries in Dating helps singles to think, solve problems, and enjoy the benefits of dating to the hilt, increasing their abilities to find and commit to a marriage partner. Liberally illustrated with insightful, true-life examples, this much-needed book includes such topics as: Sins You Can Live With--Recognizing and choosing quality over perfection in a dating partner - Don't Fall in Love with Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With--How to ensure that honest friendship is one vital component in a relationship - Don't Screw Up a Friendship Out of Loneliness--Preserving friendships by separating between platonic relationships and romantic interest - Kiss False Hope Good-Bye--Moving past denial to deal with real relational problems in a realistic and hopeful way . . . and much more.
From the Author
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are popular speakers, licensed psychologists, co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and co-founders of Cloud/Townsend, Inc. Both graduated with doctorates in clinical psychology from Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology, and both maintain private practices in Newport Beach, CA. They are best-selling coauthors of several books, including Boundaries with Kids, The Mom Factor, Safe People, Twelve “Christian” Beliefs that Can Drive You Crazy, and the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries. Dr. Cloud is the author of Changes that Heal and Dr. Townsend is the author of Hiding from Love. CloudTownsend.co
From the Back Cover
Improve your relationships with the opposite sex! Gain life-changing insights on: What boundaries are and why they’re vital to enjoying healthy relationships How to a pick a winner for a dating partner How to beat personal issues that keep you from being a great date How to solve dating problems when your date is the problem
Rules for Romance That Can Help You Find the Love of Your Life
Between singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make the road as smooth as possible for yourself and the other singles in your group? Discover how to set and maintain healthy boundaries that make for smart, enjoyable dating and, ultimately, for fruitfulness and joy in that special relationship of a lifetime.
If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating will revolutionize the way you handle relationships. Even if all of you are happily dating, the insights you’ll gain from this ZondervanGroupware™ will help you fine-tune important areas of your dating lives.
Created by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of the best-selling book Boundaries, this kit maximizes interaction, support, and insights in your group and minimizes the preparation required of you as leader. Boundaries in Dating can help you all enjoy the kind of rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you’ve each longed for.
Boundaries in Dating kit includes: 1 120-minute video 1 Leader’s guide 1 Participant’s guide 1 Boundaries in Dating softcover book
Most helpful customer reviews
27 of 27 people found the following review helpful.
Discussion of suitability for use in home school sex ed
By Christy
I read this book because I was looking for material to use in conjunction with high school sex education material in a home school situation, so this review will focus on the benefits it has for discussion between parents and teens who are not yet or just beginning to be interested in dating.
The book was written partially as a response to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and the accompanying message preached in some Christian circles that dating is destructive, selfish, and inherently painful. The authors disagree, and think dating, when done by healthy people working toward maturity, can facilitate important developmental processes that prepare you to be a good spouse, whether or not you marry the person you date. I think it would make for interesting discussions to read the two books side by side.
The authors are both psychologists with lots of counseling experience, so the advice they give is grounded in Christian psychology more than in Bible study or personal experience, which makes it different from what you find in some other books that are more pastoral in focus. They frequently back up what they say with Scripture passages and principles that support the concepts, but the many of the concepts themselves (transference, co-dependence, parental bonding issues, etc.) are drawn from the field of psychology and counseling.
This book is not geared toward high school students. A premise of the book is that dating is for adults. People who have not reached a certain level of maturity, who have not clearly identified their goals and values, have not taken ownership of their spiritual life and decisions, who do not know who they are and what they want in life will not likely have healthy relationships, and will wreak havoc on themselves and others. So, the primary audience of the book is single, independent adults. But the authors acknowledge that age and maturity do not necessarily go hand in hand, and mature teens are perfectly capable of dating responsibly and productively. However young people living at home with their parents are not the primary audience. Much of the book presumes you have a dating past to analyze or a current serious relationship to work on, but the many of the discussions could still be valuable for teens who are not dating yet, because they present lots of examples of what healthy and unhealthy ways of relating look like. There is also good advice about how to start a relationship off well, how to set and maintain healthy personal boundaries, and how to guard against destructive patterns in relationships.
Here are some of the things I found particularly worthwhile:
There is a valuable distinction made between the difference between giving and serving in a loving relationship and how it differs from being “adaptive” (losing your own sense of self to be what another person wants you to be) or overly compliant in an unhealthy way, and how giving and serving differs from trying to rescue someone who really needs to get their own issues dealt with before they can do their fair share of the relationship work.
There is a lot of discussion of what it means to be honest in a relationship, and lots of scenarios that show what it looks like when someone is not being honest with themselves, or about themselves, what it looks like when someone else is not giving you space to be honest with them, and how much space you should give someone to learn and grow in their ability to be more honest.
There is a good section on what leading someone on looks like and how deceptive and very destructive it is.
It discusses unhealthy patterns of relating and how to recognize when you are: being controlled, being controlling, trying to rescue someone, trying to parent someone, trying to compensate for your own character weakness or deficiency by unhealthy dependence on someone, romanticizing opposite gender friendships, committing prematurely, being “kidnapped” by a relationship to the detriment of other friendships, harboring false hope for change, blaming, and disrespecting or being disrespected.
There is also a list of deal breakers that no one should put up with in a relationship. Interestingly enough, top on the list is deception or lying. Some of the things should be no-brainers (addiction, violence, faithlessness), but it also includes refusal to respect boundaries, and what that looks like.
There is good information on how recognizing patterns in the kind of people you attract or are attracted to can help you identify areas of immaturity, brokenness, or unresolved hurt in your life that you need to address.
There is a valuable discussion of what to do if you notice a big split between the people you are attracted to romantically and the people you would choose as friends, since this is usually an indication that you need to deal with some hurt or unresolved issue in your own soul. Healthy people develop romantic feelings for people that make good friends too.
One of the strengths of this book is the numerous “case studies” of actual relationships it presents so you can see how the abstract issues look when fleshed out with real situations and people.
I also appreciate that the tone of the book is not like some I have read where you are basically encouraged to find someone “compatible” with no problems or issues, as if people are not works in progress. This book encourages and equips people to work through issues in relationships, and use dating experiences to spur personal character development and movement toward more wholeness and maturity. It gives lots of practical suggestions for how to try to work through a number of common problems before bailing on the relationship.
It presents a multi-faceted rationale for abstinence before marriage without descending into unnecessary scare tactics or preachiness. It presents “purity” as something positive (available to all, not just virgins) that protects and safeguards a person in dating, not this oppressive thing that must be protected and that is in constant danger of being lost or defiled.
What it does not do:
It presumes you accept the idea that Christians should date Christians. It might be beneficial to spend more time with a teen building a case for why.
The discussion of sexual boundaries basically says you need them, but leaves all the working out of the details up to the individual. My feeling is that teens could benefit from a much more detailed discussion with some practical guidelines and suggestions, as well as encouragement to define exactly what those boundaries are going to be for the present and how they might change as they are older and/or closer to marriage.
The book does not really give any formulas or guidelines for “how to date,” or how Christian dating might look different from what the rest of the world does or expects. It assumes you will basically follow the accepted cultural model of picking out someone you are potentially romantically interested in and intentionally spending time alone with them to get to have fun and get to know them better. This book is not an introduction to the world of dating for people with limited social skills, it presumes you know what you are doing.
The attitude toward dating is a bit more cavalier than I am totally comfortable with, especially for a teen or college student. I personally gravitate more toward the idea that you should not get involved romantically with someone until you have a solid friendship and you think you might realistically have a future together even if it is a ways off. The authors take more of a view that you can’t possibly know where something might lead and romantic involvement is often the way you solidify your friendship and learn enough about yourself and another person to see if there is a future. As long as you have healthy boundaries, it’s all good.
They vacillate between using the word “date” to refer to anyone you are casually spending time getting to know and someone you have an exclusive and serious romantic relationship with, which was confusing sometimes. It would have been helpful to have two terms.
The book operates from the position that the goal of dating is to get experience that helps you grow and mature and develop interpersonal skills that will prepare you to marry someday, not that the goal of dating is to find someone to marry. For some people this will be an important philosophical difference, but one that would be worth exploring with a teen.
In this book, the idea of any parental involvement is absent. It presumes that a peer group of friends will be the main support and accountability network in a person’s life. The authors also believe that “leaving home” and establishing a life independent of one’s family (though they acknowledge this can happen at college) is an important prerequisite for any healthy serious relationship. Families that gravitate more toward the courtship model may find it hard to incorporate advice based on those assumptions, but it still brings up many things worth discussing and considering. Such parents may discover they are preventing their children from setting healthy boundaries at home, something that may negatively impact their attempts to set healthy boundaries with a future partner.
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent Dating Book
By Jennifer P.
I became a Christian a bit later in life and this book has definitely opened my eyes to a better and healthier way of approaching and thinking about dating. There are four parts to the book. The first part covers you and your boundaries. The second part covers the type of person that you should date. The third part covers solving dating problems when you are part of the problem and the fourth part covers what to do when the person that you are dating is the actual problem. My favorite section was the spiritual compatibility section which addresses the extent to which you and your date are compatible in terms of faith in your lives. The tips towards the end of the chapter and summary points are really helpful because that way you can look at the important points again and not forget them. Or it can serve as a simple refresher towards the end of the chapter. It also covers important things to look for when looking to avoid the wrong person and qualities that destructive people can carry. It also addresses waiting to become much more intimate or personal with a person and why it is important to wait. I recommend it for those who want to change their old dating habits to healthier ones.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
THE BEST DATING BOOK EVER!
By Doodle dee dee
This is one of the best books I have ever read and the best book on dating that I have ever come across. I think it should be mandatory reading and perhaps a study course for every young person before they enter the dating world so that they do not end up in the crazy, messed up, and abusive relationships so many people do, not to mention preventing countless divorces between people who walked into their relationships either blindly or in denial of all of the danger signs that their "dream partner" is just a nightmare in disguise. I can't praise this book enough and refer to it often! This team of authors have many terrific books- their original Boundaries book is another necessity as is Safe People. Read it, you will not regret it.
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